I know I should put her down to bed, but I just can’t. I’ve been at work all day, and this small window of time is so precious to this new mommy. So…I continue to glide back and forth in my glider rocker with my daughter sleeping in my arms, periodically planting kisses on her chubby cheeks. Almost as soon as bath time is over, those little eyelids lose their battle, and so here we are gliding away.
While I love my job and enjoy my time in the office, today I felt a massive emptiness in my arms and throughout my day as I shuffled through piles of paperwork, made phone calls and plowed my way through emails.
It wasn’t a bad day. It was just another day of being away from my little girl, and, therefore, just one of those “swallow the lump in my throat and fight back the tears because I miss my baby” kind of a day.
Of course, moms all over the world make the same decision I made, that is to go back to work, and both baby and mom do just fine…even thrive in many cases. For me, I continue to focus on quality time and not necessarily the quantity. I have to…otherwise, the thought of being away would kill me.
The truth is I like getting dressed up for work and getting out of the house, and my job is rewarding. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy it, but the catch-22 is that I want to be equally involved in my daughter’s day. I want to be with her every minute of every day, and yet I’ve chosen to meet her needs alongside my husband in a different way. It’s the right decision for us right now, but I guess I never expected it to be so hard.
Who would’ve thought?
So, I called my mom on my drive home from the office today and just cried quietly as my mom offered this advice, “Go home and take a deep breath and another deep breath and another deep breath and just take some time to pray”. She must’ve known that I was holding my breath in silence on the other end of the line just so that my emotions wouldn’t be obvious.
And by “emotions”, I mean hormones, or so my mom suggested. Thanks, Mom.
But then I realized how much I still need my mom even though I live two hours away and spend the vast majority of my quality time with her over the phone. I talk to her daily, often several times a day. BUT, it IS quality even though our face to face time may not be quantity. I only have one mom. She is my mom and I’m her daughter, and I love no one else’s mom the way I love my mom because she raised me and nurtured me and stayed up with me all hours of the night and loves me no matter what and even still listens when I call and sit silent on the other end of the line because I’m too afraid that I’ll start crying.
And so…I took my mom’s advice, and here I am sitting quietly and praying, trusting that my little girl will love this mommy of hers the way I love mine and always feel connected to me and intensely loved by me whether I’m 5 minutes away or 500 miles away, whether I’m at work and entrusting her physical care momentarily to another or whether I’m at home holding her in my arms, whether I’m asleep in my bed as she snoozes away in hers or whether I’m up all hours of the night nursing her back to sweet dreams. I pray today that the quality would truly overcompensate for the quantity.
My baby girl will be 12 weeks old on Saturday, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for her. She’s at that fun stage where she wakes smiling and cooing with a few high-pitched squeals mixed in, and that’s the image I take to work with me every day, and that’s the same image that has me Nascar-ing it home at night. I love her to the moon and back…and then some.
Well, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I feel much better. Perhaps, I’ll even leave solving the world’s problems for tomorrow.
Have a blessed day, friends.